A + B doesn't always = C
Editor's note: Thank you Anon, for the insightful message on agoraphobia.
I decided to write this anonymously because my story isn't just my story it is the story of so many. I'm writing this to you from my bed and I'm hoping that wherever you are when you read this that my words find you, that they wrap around you and that you know that you are not alone.
I have had mental health struggles and difficulty for many years and not for lack of trying to take the best care of myself, which is something that I had learned over time. For years I have grappled with agoraphobia, OCD, depression, and PTSD. I don’t want to use the word "suffer", not because it hasn't been painful, but because to me the idea of suffering provokes the image of an afflicted person laying on the sidewalk helpless. I did everything I could to not lie down there. True suffering doesn't come passively, it comes through the friction of trying over and over and over again, to overcome a peril that, in that moment, is overwhelmingly difficult.
For those of us who live on the fringe of normalcy, seeking treatment can be undeniably difficult. When I was younger, there were many available mental health services, but after a few hospitalizations (probably close to 10 or so) and trials of different medications and treatments, it seems as though the options started to thin out. I wonder what we're supposed to do after seeing all the doctors, taking all the medications, attending the appointments and the missed appointments, and the challenges of self-advocacy. What are we supposed to do after we have tried our hardest to overcome this? I know that I'm not alone in this feeling of fear and hopelessness. I had a lot of energy before and now the idea of "just try" or "speak up" or "stand up for yourself" feels like a much bigger mountain than it should be.
According to Merriam Webster, Agoraphobia is the fear of being helpless in a situation from which escape may be difficult or embarrassing that is characterized initially often by panic or anticipatory anxiety and finally by the avoidance of open or public places. For me agoraphobia is frustrating, because I know that the mailbox isn't far from my house. I know that the front door of the store is only 30 seconds from the back of the store and that the bathroom isn't far from the front door of my house either but that doesn't stop my body from being terrified in the store or my mind from feeling danger in the shower when I think about how long it would take to get out of the house if something happened. It's such an illogical illness and yet it's so hard to overcome. On the very, very good days I can't see the bad days or what goes through my mind, and on the bad days, I can't understand how I was able to go to the mailbox and the store a few days or weeks or sometimes even hours before that. It's a mystery.
Today, I don't feel like giving up, despite having had a very difficult conversation with the laboratory's home care department. I couldn't help but think of how many people must go through this gruelling process. My doctor ordered a test that needed to be processed quickly after being drawn. In the past, the sample has been directly delivered to the lab but today it was a “logistical issue” for them, and they wanted me to come to their site. They couldn't understand that the solution is not simply having a ride arranged for me to get to one of their locations; rather that the issue is of the imaginary walls around me, along with the unrealistic dangers and scary things that lie beyond them. I know that others with agoraphobia can understand the sense of overwhelming vulnerability in stepping outside, and how illogically and equally hard it can be to be indoors and "too far" from the front door all at the same time. It isn't something that you can focus through or push through on bad days, and I know that other mental illnesses work in similar ways.
“I don’t blame the people who don’t understand; although, admittedly, it’s sometimes difficult to not wish that they have this happen to them for a day. ”
So many people try to be supportive and encouraging and I smile, lovingly and genuinely but the truth is that sometimes even the most well-intentioned tone and words can almost feel patronizing (although I know this isn't intentional). What I mean to say is that some people think A + B = C, and I can't fault people for not understanding that is not the case for some people. I think that people need to realize, however, is that A sometimes does not = A, or B might be missing, and C may only happen on the very, very good days, OR for some people, C almost never happens at all.
So wherever you are when you read this, whether you're laying in bed like me, or you're on the bus, or at school, or supporting somebody who's going through this, or if your struggles are with something other than mental health, I just hope that this in some way makes you feel that you aren't alone. You are heard and seen (unless that scares you), and you are loved and understood and cared about. I love you and you are amazing. Lots of people may not understand exactly what you're going through and how scary and overwhelming it is but I do and there are many like us. I think on some level we're all connected and even though we aren't sitting in front of each other right now we are still part of something that sees society in a different way because our lives have had to be different. We are expert navigators with broken DIY compasses but we're going to get there and we're going to touch people's hearts along the way because if there's one thing that I've learned in all of this it is that we have open hearts and we help those who cross our paths even when it feels impossible to help ourselves.
Here's to all of us who colour outside the lines.
- Anonymously Yours
Ottawa, ON, Canada
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