The Road to Recovery and Inner Transparency
Editor's note: Thank you, Emma for sharing your story and road to resilience.
Ever since I was a child, I've struggled with mood changes and self-confidence. My earliest experience with suicidal ideation was when I was 12 years old. I was scared of my mind, and I couldn't understand where these impulses were coming from. I received a lot of neglect surrounding my health by my teachers and friends. As I grew older, I struggled mainly with anxiety, depression, and hypomania. I noticed I had two polar opposites inside me pulling me in different directions and sabotaging each others' moves. I realized in the summer before grade 10 that I needed some help. I went to a psychiatrist and she told me I could be bipolar but probably not, so she put me on antidepressants. I took my pill every day and a year later, I was hospitalized for a manic episode that occurred during a year-end class trip to Tofino. The 2 weeks leading up to the trip I probably had 15 hours of sleep total. I became heavily delusional, I was hallucinating and psychotic. I gained a lot of trauma and triggers from this experience, as well as from my other hospitalization for suicidal depression, which happened 3 years later. I went through a lot and I built up walls blocking out the trauma, trying to hide it because I didn't want to accept that there was trauma I had to deal with. I wasn't ready to be vulnerable with myself, but after months of resenting reactions I had, I started to dig deeper and break down the barriers. By doing this I had to accept that my past reactions were tied to deep triggers I didn't want to accept were there. Once I was able to be fully transparent with myself, I found I could experience the pain, observe where it was coming from and how it affected my emotions. Once I could do this, I was able to combat the reaction with connection. For example, if someone comments "Wow, your hair is really greasy today," this may trigger me because usually, when I don't wash my hair it's because I'm struggling, and this may remind me of this fact. Instead of reacting and saying something sarcastic, hurtful or rude, I would say "Yeah, been having a rough week, could I have a hug?" This drives connection, which is my #1 goal.
“Pain pulls us away from love. Pain makes us retreat into the cave we built around us to protect our weaknesses. But if we can open our hearts to ourselves and others and be vulnerable and love through it all, love through the pain, we can feel alive.”
I find I do not regret love, but I do regret anger.
I find my anger gives itself justice to negatively affect the moods of others by assuring me I am in pain because of “their actions” so that must mean I can retaliate to put them in their place, and any pain I cause is justified by my pain.
You can see how this is a flawed thought, but in the moment, the energy of pain and blame feel so toxic that they convince me release is necessary.
But I have noticed when I let this impulse free I always lose some connection to that person. And only until I can accept my pain can I love through it.
As a part of my recovery, I have been spending the last 10 months creating an album about the ups and downs of living with bipolar disorder. It touches on the many symptoms and experiences bipolar affects you with. This album is my whole transparent self. My anger, my frustration, my experiences, and my realizations. I hope you enjoy it.
Why is it important for you to share your story and experiences with mental health and illness?
It's important for me to share my story because mental health needs to be talked about. I work every day in my life to break stigma. More than 60% of people with mental health problems won't get help because of stigma. Stigma is taking lives and I want to help prevent this as much as I can. The idea that "we create our own reality" and we should be able to "think" or "will" ourselves out of mental struggles needs to be dissolved. A cancer patient is not shamed for growing a tumor. We shouldn't be shamed for our chemical imbalances and our actions while in psychosis.
- Emma
North Vancouver, BC, Canada
More about Emma:
You can find Emma’s album on her journey by clicking here.
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